Sometimes I sit, wanting to write and waiting for inspiration and it doesn’t come, and I wonder what people do when their mind goes blank. Right now, there’s not much for me to do, besides getting my car fixed and that has been a 3 day hassle. The mechanic has been nice enough, but I kind of want to get it all over with. I don’t even want to think about the book I’ll need for class and how much those will cost me! Let alone that this is my last semester at a community college. I’m 24, and most other people I know have their degree already and are working a full time job they love and I sit at home, wondering and waiting for something.
I wish things would come easily to me. It’s hard to find a job, and it’s hard to want to find a job when I know that, in a few months, I’ll have to leave for a while anyway. The whole idea scares me. Growing up is scary, and I never would have thought I’d admit that.
I often talk about fear, but this fear is different. I’ve always been really afraid to grow up because it meant responsibilities, and more anxiety over money and whether or not I’ll be able to pay taxes, or rent, or food, or utilities. I know that everything will iron out eventually, that by the end of it I’ll feel silly for being so afraid, but that’s not how I feel in the moment of it all when I watch my bank account slowly drain.
Life is unpredictable, which makes it both fun and scary, and it’s supposed to be that way. God has always told us to not worry about what the future holds, and for good reason. It’s stressful to worry. It takes up more energy to be afraid of the future than it does to live I the moment, and yet we fear so naturally that we don’t even notice how the time passes by, both slowly and quickly. Yes, it sounds contradictory, but if you were to think back to a time when you worried about the future, one time it may have gone by slow and another very quickly. For me currently, time feels very quick, and it means one day closer to getting out of the house.
God says not to worry, it’s easier said than done, and people cope differently. I get on and tell the world about my fear, and remind myself and you that it will all be okay in the end, God doesn’t leave us to fend for ourselves, although it feels like that at times. Some people clean, others run, some people stare at a book or turn on the tv, playing video games. It takes our minds off of the fear until action needs to be made. I think our response to that time when we need to act is when we truly show ourselves. Sometimes I run away, but sometimes I run head first into whatever the future holds.
There’s a song I love, a few of them, actually: Oceans and Trust in You. Different artists, but both songs have the same prayer to them. That no matter where we go, that God will lead us along and won’t let go.
“I will call upon your name, to keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace for I am yours and you are mine.” -Oceans by Hillsong UNITED
“When you don’t give the answers as I cry out to you, I will trust in you.” -Trust in you by Lauren Daigle