I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written, deleted, and rewritten. Everything right now is just tiring. Let me tell you about it:
Last month my coffee shop, my workplace, and my safe haven (number 2 behind my room) closed. I helped close it. Needless to say, I was a bit depressed, and this made me tired. Really tired.
In the midst of this reality I was hired, nearly right away, at a Chik-fil-a location. Usually fast food wouldn’t be my next rout but since I have no experience in retail (ironically, a trait that many people look for in new employees) and I knew the ins-and-outs of the health department standards, it was just much easier to relocate into another food industry. Plus, being a broke college student, I couldn’t really wait for a coffee shop to just magically start hiring people.
Like all new jobs, the first year will be a bit tough for me. I am learning a brand new POS system, I am learning about things I’ve never had to deal with before, and, of course, I am still learning that not everyone gets me. Not only that but the people that don’t get me may not be very appreciative of some of my comments…no matter how funny I think they are, nor do they get why I say some comments that may or may not sound like I’m defensive even though I’m not. So, I guess I’m also learning new ways to handle these people that don’t really get me. Working with 80+ other employees…actually I’m surprised at how many people are trying to understand how my brain works.
So, with all of this going on I’ve written, rewritten, deleted, and given up for a month on just what to write because there’s so much! What do I write about? I could write my own version of a rant about how ridiculous I find some Christians taking a (albeit not a very accurate) theological allegory and twisted it to be 180, Satan is right there, kind of a thing. I could write about how Satan is using their fears to drive Christians into even more sects, but I decided against this after finding my dads semi-humorous, sarcastic attempt at basically saying what I just said…but not in those exact words. I could write about Beauty and the Beast and the themes there but I couldn’t quite get the words right to do it justice. I could talk about how excited I am about the new movie Power Rangers, which I think I’m a bit more excited about than I really should be. None of these topics really kept me writing for very long.
And then I was reading my devotional, the first one in a long while. The last date I left off still marked as February 18th. That Monday I had started my new job, and the Wednesday before I helped close Crossroads. So, I flipped through to March 26th. It starts out with, “Ask me to increase your thankfulness…” And I stopped, and reflected on the past month. Seriously, God, you’re really gonna tell me to thank you for all of this? How could you ask me to be thankful after everything that’s happened?
But it doesn’t stop there. So I kept reading. “Ask me to increase your thankfulness…Seek to see Me in the midst of your circumstances…. Ask me also to train you in trusting me more consistently….” Sarah Young has a gift when she writes. In these few sentences I give you (I would love to give you the whole thing but…you know, copyright laws probably won’t allow that.) she has a gift of speaking to you as if God is.
Maybe I don’t thank him for the depressing parts but thank him for the friends that came from it and thank him for the blessings he gave me even after Crossroads closed. Maybe it means simply thanking him for continuing to provide for my needs.
I trusted God wholeheartedly to give me a new job, this I was 100% sure of. However, it didn’t stop the depression and it didn’t stop the anger. Where was God in these depressing circumstances? Well, I still don’t know. When I get a rude customer because I somehow messed up on their order, I don’t see God in that. When I feel I’m being snapped at and I’m trying to tell myself maybe they don’t mean to, I don’t see God in that either. It’s hard to see God in these tiny details, though, and right now I don’t have enough details to see what He’s planning. All I see are tiny dots of color that seem randomly scattered about. Still, He’s got to be here somewhere.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written, deleted, and given up on writing this. And I can’t tell you how many times I didn’t want to do anything except be in bed. I can tell you that despite all of this, I can only move forward, because if I’m not moving forward then I’m not moving at all and I can’t sit still like that for very long. It’s time to seek God, to thank him for the new opportunity He’s given me, and to look at the bigger picture.
Psalm 52:8-9 NLT “But I am like an olive tree, thriving in the house of God. I will always trust in God’s unfailing love. I will praise you forever, O God, for what you have done. I will trust in your good name in the presence of your faithful.”